Coming Home...

It was a long way home. No street lamps to light the barren road. The darkness was disturbing that even the night creatures were hiding in the safety of their sanctuaries. And yet, here I am alone walking in the night. The only light that helped me on this journey was that of the moon almost hidden by the clouds. The silence was deafening specially in this eerie night.

I searched my pen inside my pocket and held it like it was from another hand. I felt at ease by the time I felt it on my fingertips. Why of all nights this has to be very dark. I’m all alone on my way home and yet fate seemed to have picked this night in particular to play tricks on me.

I held my pen tightly this time, so tight that it might break apart. I wrapped my other hand on my body, wishing for someone to walk the night with me. But I was alone and the only companions available were darkness and silence.

I held my ground and told myself that it’s going to be alright. This is but an obstacle; a test that if I quit now I would never see the prize waiting at the end of the road. So I kept walking, never counting each step because if I did I’ll only grow impatient and quit entirely. I kept my pace, walking not too fast nor too slow but rather silently motivating myself to keep moving and enjoy the stillness of the night.

The wind blew and I quivered. It was getting colder and yet the road seemed not to end. Where’s the turn that would lead me home? It should have been here. I couldn’t have missed it! Then I realized I wasn’t really paying attention to the road. I was too occupied to other things like the stillness and the mysteriousness of the night that I forgot about the road. So I stopped and looked around straining my eyes locating any familiar things that would tell me I wasn’t lost.

The night’s getting deeper and the wind’s getting colder choking me as my eyes blinked away the tears. The turn must be here somewhere. I couldn’t be lost. So I closed my eyes and breathed a lung-full of air praying at the same time that when I opened them, something powerful would point me to the direction I’m heading on. Indeed, a miracle unexpected in this lonely journey presented itself to me. Just like the kings guided by the light of one star, a light shone not too bright but enough to steal my attention and there it was - the turn!

And I’m coming home…

The Traveler

We are but travelers of thus uncanny world. A stranger to its land; an outsider or an invader perhaps. As travelers, we bring things along with us. Things that would help us get through the days without ever feeling bored, restless and of course to even fool ourselves that we are not alone. As for me, I brought my pen and a notebook with me. Many would question why those things and not any other… Well, I don’t mind what others would think about me bringing just these two things. I don’t mind because they didn’t know the importance and reason these pen and paper to me. They are my best friends. Without them, I could never be able to capture my thoughts and emotions as I walk through this road of life. I share with them my experiences and they knew me because of my words.

Again as travelers, we were supposed to leave a legacy before we took and explore another path. We have to leave something for others to remember us by. So, I leave my words and hope that whoever reads them would share and appreciate them for my words define my life.

Sometimes words are not even enough to describe what I really feel inside. And no matter how I knock my brain out for the exact words, it’s still not enough. It irritates me and it annoys me simply because I ran out of words and I have so much to say. And so I push myself or should I say force myself into writing despite the insufficiency of words. Unfortunately despite my effort, I was misunderstood. Many judged me because of what I wrote… a few understand and others they simply just didn’t bother.

So I travel light… but truth is I was heavily burdened. Yes, I only brought a pen and a notebook with me but I also brought with me memories of the places I’ve been and of the people I met along the way. (So much of travelling light huh?) These memories in exchange of my words, molded me to the person I am right now – still a traveler.

Caution

Anger rose like an irate volcano,

Words hot as lava ready to bring havoc.

Self couldn’t be contained.

No room left for any evacuation.

It’s already triggered.

There’s no turning back.

I am mad.

There’s no consoling this time.

I wouldn’t allow it.

I’ve had enough.

Enough of the fancy words,

They’re no longer appealing.

Enough of the funny jokes,

Can’t you see I’m no longer smiling?

Enough of the words of wisdom,

I don’t believe it anyway.

Enough of the hopeful words,

I’ve already given up.

Enough is enough!

I am mad.

Just let me be.

Qoutes and Songs

I’m not such a fan of the movie Camp Rock but because my daughter loved it, I quite of watched it a million times already. What’s interesting about the movie was not of the actors who portrayed the roles but the songs that were featured. And there was one quote that was mentioned in the movie that I happened to like – “Every song can’t be a hit, but it doesn’t mean that we’ll stop singing”.

Yes! Not all songs became hit because if they did, we could still be hearing them being played in the air up to these days. Some were seasonal just like Christmas songs that were only played during Christmas season. A fair few lasted a couple of weeks in the chart and that’s it! But, what are in these songs really that we can’t help but listen to them? There are songs that we made theme songs to our lives whether it’ s for a lover, a friend or even to an enemy. And despite the fact that they’re no longer IN for this particular era, we still keep it in our playlist and from time to time listen to them. So, is it safe to quote “Your song: song ng buhay ko”?

I love listening to music. I love the way it made me feel – it compliments my mood or it comforts me. Music feeds my soul. I’ve composed a handful of songs and I bet it’s enough already for an album. (Anyone to volunteer as my producer? heheehe) And each of them reflects what I felt during that particular moment. So I quote – “Every song is a reflection of an emotion”.

I happened to like this song – “Remember me this way” by Jordan Hill (a soundtrack of the movie Casper). It talks about friendship; of finding someone who you can relate to and turn to when no one is willing to take your side. And despite the complication of the circumstance, the song conveyed that the other one will be remembered and the other wants to be remembered. For quite some time, this song made an impact on my life. It’s no longer a hit, it’s no longer IN but it is still in my playlist. I used to like this song a lot since it reminds me that I have a friend out there that cares for me. Like I’ve said, I used to like this song…used to… but I don’t hate it either. It’s just that I hate the way it made me feel lately whenever I hear it playing. I hate the way it brought back memories of the past and of a broken promise. I hate to even think that I lost someone I cared about without even given the chance to fight for it. Just like the quote – “A battle long lost before it even started”.

So the quote goes that not all songs can be a hit but it doesn’t mean that I’ll stop singing. I’ll sing whenever I want. I’ll write songs that reflects my emotions. I’ll make songs be the song of my life. And you’ll be remembered. It’s no longer a battle.

These Tears... Reprise

This is weird… Last week I was so desperate to cry and allow the tears drown the pain I felt. But now that tears are at the brink of my eyes, I’m holding it back. I don’t want to cry. It’s just that if I succumb now, I will be the loser again. And I’m tired being one – a loser, a weakling, a good for nothing. My so bruised ego cannot handle any drama anymore. I had enough!

Tears please for once side with me… I’m begging you. I’m at the edge of uncertainty again. I am so lost right now and no one is coming for me. I beg of you not to betray me this time because as darkness slowly creeping in on me, my light is fading too. Will you hold my hand instead, Tears? Will you?

I tried to befriend Confrontation but I failed. Every word that comes out my mouth is useless. The more I speak the more I’m misunderstood and it’s getting harder for me try to express my point. I guess I’m hopeless case.

What should I do now? Everything’s obscured again. Nothing’s going on my way… and I am so dead tired.

These Tears...

These tears have been threatening to fall for quite some time now. It’s getting heavier everyday and my heart’s sinking deeper and deeper into the world of numbness. If only it would now fall and together with it release the pain out from my heart. I’m tired looking for reasons for it to finally fall and end this misery that’s weighing me down. I’m tired wearing this smile and project happiness to others when in fact deep down inside I’m howling with grief. This façade has taking its toll on me and every effort to pretend that I’m ok with this is like sucking out my soul. I know its okay to cry and I know it’s not a crime. But why am I having such a hard time letting it out? Crying used to be a piece of cake and tears flow out as easy as breathing. But not now…when I really wanted to and especially that I feel so heavy inside.

Before, I used to call tears traitor because they easily betray me. When I’m mad they fell even if I don’t want them to. Same also when I’m happy they fell – so much of a traitor. But now when I needed them so much, what are they doing? Being a traitor as always I guess – just threatening but never coming down.

Now I’m left again to waiting… and I’m no fan of waiting. Especially not now because I know I am hurting and my brain’s not acknowledging it – she’s more like denying it and that’s why tears won’t fall easily like they used to be. So I wait…

Rum Raisin Ice Cream Idiocy

I never thought I would crave for something like this. I never even thought it was possible. I never tasted it for one thing and I can’t imagine how my taste buds would react to its flavor. Worse, I never even knew it exists. Ok sure, I’ve heard of it but that’s just it. How come I’ve been craving for it for quite some time now? It seems like my entire system have been magically tuned to it and left me with this addiction. Is it even possible to be addicted to something I’ve never even tasted before? I just hate this tormenting feeling that it caused me – the more I convinced myself to forget about it, the more gaga I am about it.

What’s with you by the way Rum Raisin Ice cream? Are you that special? What made you so special anyway? You’re just an ice cream right? So, why am I distressing myself over you? I could have any other ice cream I could find in the fridge but why am I craving for you – especially you? Could anybody enlighten me with this idiocy? My cup’s full and I can’t make sense of anything right now. All I could ever think of is when could I ever get my hands on you and once and for all bring an end to this stupidity.

my plea...

Sometimes I wonder whether God is playing games on me. If this was His idea of a joke, then it is not funny at all. How could a joke hurt this bad? How could a joke diminish my self – esteem and self – worth as easily as this? There is nothing comical at all to this - only pain, grief and an overflowing cup of wishful thinking. So if this wasn’t a joke, then what? A lesson to be learned? If so, then He made His point. And it wasn’t just a mere point but a very hard one. It hurts big time and it left me with a scar I’m not sure when it would heal and if I’m still capable of healing. What was the point anyway? It’s as if I’m looking through stained glasses and everything is obscured. It’s as if He wanted me to listen to a song in the FM but all I could access is the AM frequency. I’m not even sure if I’ve learned anything major about it after all. Maybe just this simple realization that nothing is permanent in this world, so try not to hold on to it too much. Then what’s the point of making friends or friendship for that matter when later on these friends will just leave you? What’s the point of allowing them in your life and entrust them with your heart and later on they will just break it? Would this mean that after this we will resurface a stronger and a better version of ourselves? Maybe. But I don’t get it why would I expose myself again and befriend others and allow them to torment me later? Haven’t I had enough? Okay, so would this mean that this has to happen in order to pave way for the existence of “I’m sorry and goodbye”? Oh, come on give me a break! That’s the lamest reasoning I’ve ever heard. I’m so messed up right now… Everything’s hazy and I’m not so sure of anything at all. I am but only one soul among the sea of souls You’ve created, will You care enough to hear my plea? “Father, I need you now more than ever. Enlighten me with the goodness all these things would bring me. I’m only human and I’m having a hard time making sense of what’s happening to me and why. I felt as if You have forsaken me. Father, help me…”

My Game

My ears are still drumming from the vociferous screams at the gym. The eagles soared high as they defended their crown. The pythons danced their way back from last year’s loss and the warriors as always won my heart. Now I can feel the spirit of the game – the game I missed so much. It seems as if it was just yesterday but as I looked back it was more like a decade. My veins are raging for the passion and the euphoria it used to bring. I can only look back and dream… reminiscing.

As I bid the stars farewell tonight I’ll carry with me my treasured memories. Hoping that as I sail towards the sea of dreams, the wind will blew me to the court once again. Every swing… every slide… every sweat… this is my game – mine to play. I’ll hear the cheers as I served the ball – an Ace – I brought it on.

This is my game. This is my passion. My ball – my glory!

Road Trip

Safety is everybody’s concern. Whether we’re at school, walking down the alley or driving a car - we are always on the lookout. Though at times we encounter reckless people, it doesn’t give us the alibi not to be cautious. For all we know, we might end waking up in the hospital or worst in a grave yard.

It’s only nothing but necessary to be on guard especially if you’re off to a road trip this weekend to give your favorite car – a Toyota Camry (http://repairpal.com/toyota-camry-2002) perhaps the work out she needed. So the fun and the adventure that only a road trip offers should not be spoiled by any car troubles. Where’s the fun in that when most of the time you’re fixing your car? That’s why before the green light is on, it’s only best to check whether your tires are in good travel conditions, fuel sufficient to run that extra mile and a wallet stuffed with a bunch of cash. But wait! Don’t forget to check your check engine light (http://repairpal.com/check-engine-light) to know whether your emission control system is not working properly or else a trip to the shop for an auto repair http://repairpal.com is necessary and delay your adventure. And now that everything’s checked, you’re off to go but don’t forget to buckle up for your safety.

But sometimes despite our vigilant efforts for precaution, things just don’t go our way. Regardless of how many times you’ve checked your tires for an instance, you still encounter flat tires along the way. Or perhaps the engine bugged down beyond your capacity to repair it and the only way to fix it is for you to drop it off to a nearby shop. Yet it doesn’t mean that it’s the end of your little escapade. If you’re lucky, you could just drop it off at Chicago auto repair (http://repairpal.com/chicago-auto-repair) and when it’s done you’re back in the road in no time.

A Journey to My Dreams

I’ve been asked to answer one hypothetical question. It supposed to be easy and my answer should have flowed to me smoothly. But

unfortunately, my brain just couldn’t unearth any idea and now I’m facing a dilemma. As the time ticked by, I’m becoming more vexed knowing that I couldn’t come up with an answer. And it finally hit me… what’s missing is an inspiration.

I asked my class about their ideas. I just knew that from them I could drew out the inspiration that I shoddily needed. Good heavens, I wasn’t mistaken.

A few were chosen to read out loud and share their unsullied ideas in front of the class. Right then, I knew that I have found m

y inspiration – my class. I could feel it slowly vibrating inside of me as fresh ideas flooded my brain. I just couldn’t wait to write it down for fear that it might evaporate and leave me as empty as I was before.

So, I asked myself again – If you were to ride a vehicle towards your dreams, what would it be and why?”

I simply put, not everybody are strong and tough enough to face the challenges in life. A fair few retreated even if they hadn’t started ou

t yet. A fair few on the other hand just doesn’t give a damn about it – why bother at all. And with that, I chose the Roller Coaster as my means of transport towards achieving my dreams. It sounds silly, right? But I have my reasons. Only the brave and sturdy spirits take life as a challenge and not as a burden. And I for one believed that the ups and downs were just part of it and it happens for a reason – and that is to mold us to become a better person. Failures and disappointments hone us to become a tougher person. And the triumphs and achievements gained were mere rewards for our patience and hard work – the fruits of our labor. The roller coaster offers us the excitement and thrill during the course of the journey. We meet new faces and they share with us their share of the journey too. We cannot stop because the only route we need to take is to move on and enjoy the ride. Quitters lose because they never reached the destination. After all, what makes the ride worthwhile is whether you enjoyed every single second of it – be it good or bad.

And now that I have finally answered the question let me share a few of the inspiring thoughts my students gave me…and with that I’m very thankful for all of you guys!!!

Magdayo, Marie Cris wrote:

“If I were a vehicle, I would be a Kalesa. It would not run without a horse and in my life I can’t run without my inspirations – my family, friends and most especially God. The Kalesa becomes heavier when someone is riding it but still it continues to move because of the horse. Just like me, whenever problems become heavier I would just think about my inspiration so that I could continue to fight for my dreams.”

Docotr, Darlene wrote:

“If I were a vehicle, I wil be a Trisikad, not because it doesn’t need a fuel to run but because it requires strength and hard work for it to move. Just like me, I need to exert strength and determination to face every problem that will be thrown at me.”

Uy, Jacqueline wrote:

“A spaceship because when I dream, I make it to a point that I shoot for the moon. At least if I fail, I’ll still end up among the starts.”

Guipetacio, Meare wrote:

“If I were a vehicle, I would be a Rela. It runs slowly but we are sure that no matter happens we will arrive to the place we want to go. I want to achieve all my dreams in life slowly but surely because I know that achieving a dream is not that easy. You need to strive hard and face all the consequences that will come along your way.”

Baculio, Gabriel Luis wrote:

“I would be an airplane because I want to soar as high as I can. I want to achieve my highest dreams and in that dream I want many people with me too. Like an airplane, after a long journey it lands and I believe that even if I already achieved

my dreams I will never forget to look back to where I came from and thank the people behind my success.”

Nail Polish with Love

I was never been a huge fan of polishing one’s nails before. I was deluded with the thought that only rich people paint their nails. Innocent and naïve I was before, you cannot blame me for thinking this way. Somehow I find it fit when I saw rich people coming out from their flashy cars and strut their way with those strappy sandals with fiery red nails. But despite it all, I was secretly fantasizing myself on that same picture – emerging from a car with my little black dress donned with a strappy stiletto and of course with sexy red nails. It made me feel so glamorous and important.

When I grew older, I’ve learned that anyone regardless of status quo can wear nail polish. Who are you kidding with when in fact our neighbor’s housemaids were mostly seen with painted nails? That’s when I started painting mine… but mind you, I only paint my toenails. My reason? It sound stupid now but the only reason why I only paint my toenails before was because I felt ashamed being seen with painted nails in public. To top that, how could the public even notice my toenails when I often wear rubber shoes? Hahahaha…

But today, it’s a different story. I do polish my nails from time to time just to relieve stress from work and everything. I found it comforting and at the same time it made my feet look sexy and pampered. I don’t spend much for professionals to polish my nails because most of the time I do it myself. It’s way cheaper for one thing and I could always change the color whenever I like.

Like I’ve said, I’m not much of a fan of polishing nails but I’m very grateful for the existence of nail polishes. Why? This has always been the bonding moment of me and my little princess. Only 4 years old but she knows her colors and she knows her way on applying it on her nails. Would I trade it on anything? No way… I wouldn’t get tired of painting my nails over and over again as long as I’m sharing it with my little princess. That’s heaven over there….

me and my little princess

If luck would side with me this time... I'm super excited to share this experience with her... and paint our nails until we worn ourselves out...

♥http://kelliegonzo.blogspot.com/2010/08/special-k-giveaway.html♥

♥http://www.thepolishaholic.com/2010/09/300-follower-giveaway.html♥

words...

Words are limited as I sit here writing this note. I am annoyed because I feel so much inside and it’s threatening to explode any minute. But despite the raging waves of emotions I feel, I am annoyed simply because for the lack of words.

Why now? Why not later? I needed words to express myself; to free me from this bondage that locked me down. I needed words to console myself and to remind me that all I need is to hope that everything will be alright. I needed words just as I needed air to breathe. Where are my words when I needed them so badly?

As I wait for the right words to engulf me and free me from this desolation, I cringed away from the world where I existed. I drift away to nothingness and allow numbness to envelope my entire body. That way I know I’ll be safe… this is my haven.

I’ll wait…