Coming Home...

It was a long way home. No street lamps to light the barren road. The darkness was disturbing that even the night creatures were hiding in the safety of their sanctuaries. And yet, here I am alone walking in the night. The only light that helped me on this journey was that of the moon almost hidden by the clouds. The silence was deafening specially in this eerie night.

I searched my pen inside my pocket and held it like it was from another hand. I felt at ease by the time I felt it on my fingertips. Why of all nights this has to be very dark. I’m all alone on my way home and yet fate seemed to have picked this night in particular to play tricks on me.

I held my pen tightly this time, so tight that it might break apart. I wrapped my other hand on my body, wishing for someone to walk the night with me. But I was alone and the only companions available were darkness and silence.

I held my ground and told myself that it’s going to be alright. This is but an obstacle; a test that if I quit now I would never see the prize waiting at the end of the road. So I kept walking, never counting each step because if I did I’ll only grow impatient and quit entirely. I kept my pace, walking not too fast nor too slow but rather silently motivating myself to keep moving and enjoy the stillness of the night.

The wind blew and I quivered. It was getting colder and yet the road seemed not to end. Where’s the turn that would lead me home? It should have been here. I couldn’t have missed it! Then I realized I wasn’t really paying attention to the road. I was too occupied to other things like the stillness and the mysteriousness of the night that I forgot about the road. So I stopped and looked around straining my eyes locating any familiar things that would tell me I wasn’t lost.

The night’s getting deeper and the wind’s getting colder choking me as my eyes blinked away the tears. The turn must be here somewhere. I couldn’t be lost. So I closed my eyes and breathed a lung-full of air praying at the same time that when I opened them, something powerful would point me to the direction I’m heading on. Indeed, a miracle unexpected in this lonely journey presented itself to me. Just like the kings guided by the light of one star, a light shone not too bright but enough to steal my attention and there it was - the turn!

And I’m coming home…

The Traveler

We are but travelers of thus uncanny world. A stranger to its land; an outsider or an invader perhaps. As travelers, we bring things along with us. Things that would help us get through the days without ever feeling bored, restless and of course to even fool ourselves that we are not alone. As for me, I brought my pen and a notebook with me. Many would question why those things and not any other… Well, I don’t mind what others would think about me bringing just these two things. I don’t mind because they didn’t know the importance and reason these pen and paper to me. They are my best friends. Without them, I could never be able to capture my thoughts and emotions as I walk through this road of life. I share with them my experiences and they knew me because of my words.

Again as travelers, we were supposed to leave a legacy before we took and explore another path. We have to leave something for others to remember us by. So, I leave my words and hope that whoever reads them would share and appreciate them for my words define my life.

Sometimes words are not even enough to describe what I really feel inside. And no matter how I knock my brain out for the exact words, it’s still not enough. It irritates me and it annoys me simply because I ran out of words and I have so much to say. And so I push myself or should I say force myself into writing despite the insufficiency of words. Unfortunately despite my effort, I was misunderstood. Many judged me because of what I wrote… a few understand and others they simply just didn’t bother.

So I travel light… but truth is I was heavily burdened. Yes, I only brought a pen and a notebook with me but I also brought with me memories of the places I’ve been and of the people I met along the way. (So much of travelling light huh?) These memories in exchange of my words, molded me to the person I am right now – still a traveler.

Caution

Anger rose like an irate volcano,

Words hot as lava ready to bring havoc.

Self couldn’t be contained.

No room left for any evacuation.

It’s already triggered.

There’s no turning back.

I am mad.

There’s no consoling this time.

I wouldn’t allow it.

I’ve had enough.

Enough of the fancy words,

They’re no longer appealing.

Enough of the funny jokes,

Can’t you see I’m no longer smiling?

Enough of the words of wisdom,

I don’t believe it anyway.

Enough of the hopeful words,

I’ve already given up.

Enough is enough!

I am mad.

Just let me be.

Qoutes and Songs

I’m not such a fan of the movie Camp Rock but because my daughter loved it, I quite of watched it a million times already. What’s interesting about the movie was not of the actors who portrayed the roles but the songs that were featured. And there was one quote that was mentioned in the movie that I happened to like – “Every song can’t be a hit, but it doesn’t mean that we’ll stop singing”.

Yes! Not all songs became hit because if they did, we could still be hearing them being played in the air up to these days. Some were seasonal just like Christmas songs that were only played during Christmas season. A fair few lasted a couple of weeks in the chart and that’s it! But, what are in these songs really that we can’t help but listen to them? There are songs that we made theme songs to our lives whether it’ s for a lover, a friend or even to an enemy. And despite the fact that they’re no longer IN for this particular era, we still keep it in our playlist and from time to time listen to them. So, is it safe to quote “Your song: song ng buhay ko”?

I love listening to music. I love the way it made me feel – it compliments my mood or it comforts me. Music feeds my soul. I’ve composed a handful of songs and I bet it’s enough already for an album. (Anyone to volunteer as my producer? heheehe) And each of them reflects what I felt during that particular moment. So I quote – “Every song is a reflection of an emotion”.

I happened to like this song – “Remember me this way” by Jordan Hill (a soundtrack of the movie Casper). It talks about friendship; of finding someone who you can relate to and turn to when no one is willing to take your side. And despite the complication of the circumstance, the song conveyed that the other one will be remembered and the other wants to be remembered. For quite some time, this song made an impact on my life. It’s no longer a hit, it’s no longer IN but it is still in my playlist. I used to like this song a lot since it reminds me that I have a friend out there that cares for me. Like I’ve said, I used to like this song…used to… but I don’t hate it either. It’s just that I hate the way it made me feel lately whenever I hear it playing. I hate the way it brought back memories of the past and of a broken promise. I hate to even think that I lost someone I cared about without even given the chance to fight for it. Just like the quote – “A battle long lost before it even started”.

So the quote goes that not all songs can be a hit but it doesn’t mean that I’ll stop singing. I’ll sing whenever I want. I’ll write songs that reflects my emotions. I’ll make songs be the song of my life. And you’ll be remembered. It’s no longer a battle.

These Tears... Reprise

This is weird… Last week I was so desperate to cry and allow the tears drown the pain I felt. But now that tears are at the brink of my eyes, I’m holding it back. I don’t want to cry. It’s just that if I succumb now, I will be the loser again. And I’m tired being one – a loser, a weakling, a good for nothing. My so bruised ego cannot handle any drama anymore. I had enough!

Tears please for once side with me… I’m begging you. I’m at the edge of uncertainty again. I am so lost right now and no one is coming for me. I beg of you not to betray me this time because as darkness slowly creeping in on me, my light is fading too. Will you hold my hand instead, Tears? Will you?

I tried to befriend Confrontation but I failed. Every word that comes out my mouth is useless. The more I speak the more I’m misunderstood and it’s getting harder for me try to express my point. I guess I’m hopeless case.

What should I do now? Everything’s obscured again. Nothing’s going on my way… and I am so dead tired.

These Tears...

These tears have been threatening to fall for quite some time now. It’s getting heavier everyday and my heart’s sinking deeper and deeper into the world of numbness. If only it would now fall and together with it release the pain out from my heart. I’m tired looking for reasons for it to finally fall and end this misery that’s weighing me down. I’m tired wearing this smile and project happiness to others when in fact deep down inside I’m howling with grief. This façade has taking its toll on me and every effort to pretend that I’m ok with this is like sucking out my soul. I know its okay to cry and I know it’s not a crime. But why am I having such a hard time letting it out? Crying used to be a piece of cake and tears flow out as easy as breathing. But not now…when I really wanted to and especially that I feel so heavy inside.

Before, I used to call tears traitor because they easily betray me. When I’m mad they fell even if I don’t want them to. Same also when I’m happy they fell – so much of a traitor. But now when I needed them so much, what are they doing? Being a traitor as always I guess – just threatening but never coming down.

Now I’m left again to waiting… and I’m no fan of waiting. Especially not now because I know I am hurting and my brain’s not acknowledging it – she’s more like denying it and that’s why tears won’t fall easily like they used to be. So I wait…

Rum Raisin Ice Cream Idiocy

I never thought I would crave for something like this. I never even thought it was possible. I never tasted it for one thing and I can’t imagine how my taste buds would react to its flavor. Worse, I never even knew it exists. Ok sure, I’ve heard of it but that’s just it. How come I’ve been craving for it for quite some time now? It seems like my entire system have been magically tuned to it and left me with this addiction. Is it even possible to be addicted to something I’ve never even tasted before? I just hate this tormenting feeling that it caused me – the more I convinced myself to forget about it, the more gaga I am about it.

What’s with you by the way Rum Raisin Ice cream? Are you that special? What made you so special anyway? You’re just an ice cream right? So, why am I distressing myself over you? I could have any other ice cream I could find in the fridge but why am I craving for you – especially you? Could anybody enlighten me with this idiocy? My cup’s full and I can’t make sense of anything right now. All I could ever think of is when could I ever get my hands on you and once and for all bring an end to this stupidity.