These Tears... Reprise

This is weird… Last week I was so desperate to cry and allow the tears drown the pain I felt. But now that tears are at the brink of my eyes, I’m holding it back. I don’t want to cry. It’s just that if I succumb now, I will be the loser again. And I’m tired being one – a loser, a weakling, a good for nothing. My so bruised ego cannot handle any drama anymore. I had enough!

Tears please for once side with me… I’m begging you. I’m at the edge of uncertainty again. I am so lost right now and no one is coming for me. I beg of you not to betray me this time because as darkness slowly creeping in on me, my light is fading too. Will you hold my hand instead, Tears? Will you?

I tried to befriend Confrontation but I failed. Every word that comes out my mouth is useless. The more I speak the more I’m misunderstood and it’s getting harder for me try to express my point. I guess I’m hopeless case.

What should I do now? Everything’s obscured again. Nothing’s going on my way… and I am so dead tired.

These Tears...

These tears have been threatening to fall for quite some time now. It’s getting heavier everyday and my heart’s sinking deeper and deeper into the world of numbness. If only it would now fall and together with it release the pain out from my heart. I’m tired looking for reasons for it to finally fall and end this misery that’s weighing me down. I’m tired wearing this smile and project happiness to others when in fact deep down inside I’m howling with grief. This façade has taking its toll on me and every effort to pretend that I’m ok with this is like sucking out my soul. I know its okay to cry and I know it’s not a crime. But why am I having such a hard time letting it out? Crying used to be a piece of cake and tears flow out as easy as breathing. But not now…when I really wanted to and especially that I feel so heavy inside.

Before, I used to call tears traitor because they easily betray me. When I’m mad they fell even if I don’t want them to. Same also when I’m happy they fell – so much of a traitor. But now when I needed them so much, what are they doing? Being a traitor as always I guess – just threatening but never coming down.

Now I’m left again to waiting… and I’m no fan of waiting. Especially not now because I know I am hurting and my brain’s not acknowledging it – she’s more like denying it and that’s why tears won’t fall easily like they used to be. So I wait…

Rum Raisin Ice Cream Idiocy

I never thought I would crave for something like this. I never even thought it was possible. I never tasted it for one thing and I can’t imagine how my taste buds would react to its flavor. Worse, I never even knew it exists. Ok sure, I’ve heard of it but that’s just it. How come I’ve been craving for it for quite some time now? It seems like my entire system have been magically tuned to it and left me with this addiction. Is it even possible to be addicted to something I’ve never even tasted before? I just hate this tormenting feeling that it caused me – the more I convinced myself to forget about it, the more gaga I am about it.

What’s with you by the way Rum Raisin Ice cream? Are you that special? What made you so special anyway? You’re just an ice cream right? So, why am I distressing myself over you? I could have any other ice cream I could find in the fridge but why am I craving for you – especially you? Could anybody enlighten me with this idiocy? My cup’s full and I can’t make sense of anything right now. All I could ever think of is when could I ever get my hands on you and once and for all bring an end to this stupidity.