Goodbye My Rose

We live in a different dimension, of a different world. It's like there's this magical invisible line that separates you from me. But I'm tired chasing rainbows, it doesn't bring me any good. There's not even a pot of gold waiting for me at the end, only pain and disappointments. I guess this is the end of the road for me. The end of the journey. Two different beings from two different worlds are not really meant to be together. They're doomed to be ruined if they insist. So like a butterfly, I'll let you fly away - away from me. May the wind carry you through the place where you could be happy. I could only hope for the best to you. Holding on to the illusion of what we could have could only destroy us. Besides, you have already moved on. It is only I who couldn't. But true to my word, I hope for your happiness. To see you with someone else could mean my downfall, but never fret. I would still smile even if my heart is breaking because to see you happy is more than enough for me. I wish you well my rose.

#ChroniclesOfRose

The Vampire in Me

OMG! I’m torn between lovers… hahaha. I know I’m not a normal human being specially since I’ve been trying to cope up with the supernatural for like – forever?

Excuse my words but this is just my alter ego talking… hahaha.

Let me tell you a secret – I’m a VAMPIRE. No kidding! I am one (at least in my fantasies). And right now, I’m at the point of my life where I don’t know how to put pack the pieces together. For so long, I have been hiding my true identity. It has been so hard so hard specially that my bestfriend happens to be a human and he just knew about it recently. I’m still dealing with his constant tantrums about how I could hide something like this to him. Well, at least his tantrums are not about hating me for being a vampire but rather on the “not telling him” part.

Like I’ve said, it has been so hard. Every day I have to fight off the urge not to drink his blood or at times not killing him. Vampires have that heightened emotions which at times are difficult to contain.

And now that my bestfriend knew all about me – ooppss technically not all yet, my concerns are now limited to these tiny but consuming heart problems. Yes, the word is “consuming”. I just can’t decide who I really want to be with. At what my bestfriend just told me, I have to follow the dictates of my heart. Among the four (4) vampires (yes, that’s 4 not 3) and the one hybrid (half vampire – half werewolf), who among them really captured my heart? To add to my anxiety, I have to decide the soonest that I can. But the problem is, I just can’t – yet.

I love them all. I may be selfish for wanting to keep them all five but that’s how it is to me right now. I don’t want to choose because I know I’m going to lose some of them. They have become part of my life already.

My bestfriend told me why not choose the hybrid. Aside from the fact that he’s the unique one, he can sense that the others. Hhhhmmm, TRUE. But choosing him would mean risking my life too. One stupid accident would cost me my life and I know he would be devastated too. Yes, you heard it right. One bite from my hybrid lover and I’m doomed. Technically, he is still part werewolf and their venom is lethal to vampires. But yes, I LOVE Him. And I think I love him more than the others.

The question now is, if I choose my hybrid will I be able to handle the pain of losing the four vampires that I also grown to love?

Me and My Tantrums

I’m at the fork again. Different paths are laid down upon me and I don’t know which way to go. A part of me wanted so bad to give in to the demands of my heart but the other side is robustly opposing. It has been months since I've been stubbornly denying the tantrums of my heart. And as days flew by, these tantrums are but utterly overwhelming. I have my reasons though of why I’m doing this and not the other way around. I've grown tired of these tantrums. It did me nothing but frustrations and disappointments. I have so many of these already to last me a lifetime and another dose of it is just too much for me.

However, no matter what justification I tell myself that I’m better off like this; it is still not enough. I am pushed further back in to the dark abyss of despair. And I don’t blame anyone else but myself. I dragged myself into this alley of desolation where my only comfort was silence and nothingness. And I don’t like it here, this isn't a happy place.

So I asked myself, what now? After all the ups and downs, the struggles of not giving in; what’s next of me? Is this the end of my strong front? Is giving up the next option? Is there still hope for me?

 So many questions… so many words… but what really is the answer?

The Pink Diary 10-23-12

The sudden rush of words is overwhelming;

 I didn't know where to start.

 It consumes me.

 It drowns me.

The over flow was intoxicating;

My vision starts to wane.

Things become obscured & mirror-like;

Leading me on. Deceiving.

Frustration starts to crawl in;

Holding me back.

Nausea’s gaining momentum;

I could no longer fight back.

I plead.

I beg.

I cried.

But no one answered.

Dalamhati ng Puso

Hindi ko lubos maintindihan kung bakit kung kailan mo sila pinakakailangan, yun din ang panahon na iiwanan ka nila sa ere. Kahit anong rason ang sabihin ko sa sarili ko na baka masyado lang silang abala kung kaya’t hindi sila makapaglaan ng panahon sa akin, hindi ko pa rin maintindihan. Masakit man isipin, pero wala akong magawa. Umiyak man ako’t magmakaawa, wala’t wala pa rin.

Talagang masakit lalo na’t tinuring mo pa naman silang malapit at tunay na kaibigan. Hindi ko maipaliwanag sa sarili ko kung bakit ito nangyayari. Masama ba akong kaibigan? May nagawa ba akong mali? Kung meron man, sana naman sabihin nila sa akin.

Sabi nila, nagmamalasakit sila. Pero bakit hindi ko madama? Hindi ba’t ang pagmamalasakit ay ginagawa at ipinaparamdam, hindi lang sinasabi? Kung tunay ngang may malasakit sila sa akin, bakit hindi nila ako kayang harapin at kausapin man lang?

Masakit talagang isipin na ang taong pinaghuhugutan mo ng lakas, ang siya ring taong hihila sa iyo pababa at iiwanan kang mag-isa. Hindi naman ako mangmang para hindi makaintindi kung talagang ayaw niyo na sa akin. Madali lang naman akong kausap.

Kung kaya’t ito na lang ang masasabi ko sa inyo (kung sino man kayo), salamat. Salamat sa lahat ng naibahagi niyo sa akin. Sa pagiging kaibigan ko sa maikli man o mahabang panahon. Salamat sa panahong iginugol niyo sa akin at sa mga aral na ipinamalas niyo sa akin. Ang lahat ng ito’y habang buhay kong tatanawin. Sana’y mapatawad niyo rin ako sa mga pagkukulang ko sa inyo. Alam kong hindi ako perpektong tao, ngunit sana’y malaman niyo na ginagawa ko naman ang lahat na kaya kong maibigay sa ngalan ng pagkakaibigan. Kung kaya’y kung sakali mang kulang pa ang lahat ng iyon at kung may pagkakamali man ako sa inyo sana’y mapatawad niyo rin ako.

Ayokong magpaalam…

Life's Journey

Life has never been easy. I guess it was meant to be like that. If it wasn’t, life wouldn’t be so worth living at all.

Life is meant to be shared, not just to one person but to everybody. That is why friends exist to take part of our journey.

The road of life is long and winding. The trip even promises us it won’t be just all fun but rather it would be exhausting.

But that’s life. We learn lots of things as we go along with it. We meet and lose people along the way, but we will never be alone that’s a promise it would surely claim.

Life for me has been a roller coaster ride. Each curve has been memorable. I’ve been hurt a lot and have been blessed bountifully too. I lost people who are dear to me and yet I met new ones to fill that void. The ups and downs have pushed me to my limits, even to the point of giving up. But I’ve stood still, held my ground and I moved on. I’ve conquered too many falls already and I found glory in my defeat. I might have faced my fears ungracefully but I have resurfaced with poise and more dignity.

I thank my friends for being there for me. Their presence is but my light in this journey.

My life wouldn’t be this meaningful and beautiful without all of you. 

You, Me and Rain

Outside, it’s pouring hard

Inside, I’m going mad.

My heart’s in trouble deep,

With you I want to weep.

But thunder struck

And I’m out of luck

I need you now

But where art thou?

The wind is scorning cold

My limbs are all but numb

I need the warmth of your embrace

Oh please, I need you now.

The smell of rotten rain

Polluted my sunken heart

The memories I cannot erase

I plead, but I had no luck.

The sound of your voice I miss

As it melts my giddy heart

Your touch and the scent that it emits

Surely is the better place to start.

But you could never be found,

The world has become so dark

Where else would now I’ll be

With you I know that’s where I’m supposed to be.