Dalamhati ng Puso

Hindi ko lubos maintindihan kung bakit kung kailan mo sila pinakakailangan, yun din ang panahon na iiwanan ka nila sa ere. Kahit anong rason ang sabihin ko sa sarili ko na baka masyado lang silang abala kung kaya’t hindi sila makapaglaan ng panahon sa akin, hindi ko pa rin maintindihan. Masakit man isipin, pero wala akong magawa. Umiyak man ako’t magmakaawa, wala’t wala pa rin.

Talagang masakit lalo na’t tinuring mo pa naman silang malapit at tunay na kaibigan. Hindi ko maipaliwanag sa sarili ko kung bakit ito nangyayari. Masama ba akong kaibigan? May nagawa ba akong mali? Kung meron man, sana naman sabihin nila sa akin.

Sabi nila, nagmamalasakit sila. Pero bakit hindi ko madama? Hindi ba’t ang pagmamalasakit ay ginagawa at ipinaparamdam, hindi lang sinasabi? Kung tunay ngang may malasakit sila sa akin, bakit hindi nila ako kayang harapin at kausapin man lang?

Masakit talagang isipin na ang taong pinaghuhugutan mo ng lakas, ang siya ring taong hihila sa iyo pababa at iiwanan kang mag-isa. Hindi naman ako mangmang para hindi makaintindi kung talagang ayaw niyo na sa akin. Madali lang naman akong kausap.

Kung kaya’t ito na lang ang masasabi ko sa inyo (kung sino man kayo), salamat. Salamat sa lahat ng naibahagi niyo sa akin. Sa pagiging kaibigan ko sa maikli man o mahabang panahon. Salamat sa panahong iginugol niyo sa akin at sa mga aral na ipinamalas niyo sa akin. Ang lahat ng ito’y habang buhay kong tatanawin. Sana’y mapatawad niyo rin ako sa mga pagkukulang ko sa inyo. Alam kong hindi ako perpektong tao, ngunit sana’y malaman niyo na ginagawa ko naman ang lahat na kaya kong maibigay sa ngalan ng pagkakaibigan. Kung kaya’y kung sakali mang kulang pa ang lahat ng iyon at kung may pagkakamali man ako sa inyo sana’y mapatawad niyo rin ako.

Ayokong magpaalam…

Life's Journey

Life has never been easy. I guess it was meant to be like that. If it wasn’t, life wouldn’t be so worth living at all.

Life is meant to be shared, not just to one person but to everybody. That is why friends exist to take part of our journey.

The road of life is long and winding. The trip even promises us it won’t be just all fun but rather it would be exhausting.

But that’s life. We learn lots of things as we go along with it. We meet and lose people along the way, but we will never be alone that’s a promise it would surely claim.

Life for me has been a roller coaster ride. Each curve has been memorable. I’ve been hurt a lot and have been blessed bountifully too. I lost people who are dear to me and yet I met new ones to fill that void. The ups and downs have pushed me to my limits, even to the point of giving up. But I’ve stood still, held my ground and I moved on. I’ve conquered too many falls already and I found glory in my defeat. I might have faced my fears ungracefully but I have resurfaced with poise and more dignity.

I thank my friends for being there for me. Their presence is but my light in this journey.

My life wouldn’t be this meaningful and beautiful without all of you. 

You, Me and Rain

Outside, it’s pouring hard

Inside, I’m going mad.

My heart’s in trouble deep,

With you I want to weep.

But thunder struck

And I’m out of luck

I need you now

But where art thou?

The wind is scorning cold

My limbs are all but numb

I need the warmth of your embrace

Oh please, I need you now.

The smell of rotten rain

Polluted my sunken heart

The memories I cannot erase

I plead, but I had no luck.

The sound of your voice I miss

As it melts my giddy heart

Your touch and the scent that it emits

Surely is the better place to start.

But you could never be found,

The world has become so dark

Where else would now I’ll be

With you I know that’s where I’m supposed to be.

Will You Hold My Hand?

It’s funny how my life seems to be lately, I’m surrounded by a lot of people and yet I feel so alone. The constant battle with loneliness and sanity has become my latest hobby. The need to be with someone to comfort me from the pain I’m suffering right now has become a luxury I cannot afford. Friends seem to be hard to find even though they’re just there. Friends reachable with just one text or call but even with the available technology, I can’t seem to get through them. I endured the pain inflicted by my new bestfriend – loneliness. I breathed in and drowned myself in the toxicity of being lonesome and boredom. And I hate the feeling…

Pillows and stuffed toys can’t hug me back, but sometimes they’re all I’ve got.

I long for a hand to hold me back… to reassure me that it’s alright. To reassure me that despite everything that life have thrown at me, I am not alone. That it is alright for me to cry because a comforting hand will always be holding me back. That I don’t have to feel alone and empty anymore because a comforting hand will always be there to soothe them away for me…

And so I ask… “Will you hold my hand?”… 

Anxiety

As the days turn into yesterdays, the anxiety escalates. The want to hold you and feel you in my arms is turning me into this crazy person. I can’t sleep for days already maybe because waiting for you has been a past time for me even in my sleep. I know I have been pressuring you to come out already. And I know I already sounded silly for actually begging you to come out soon. But don’t get me wrong my dear little one, I just wanted to personally take care of you outside my womb that’s all.

Forgive mommy for being paranoid and for being pushy these past days. Mommy is just too excited that’s all.

From now on, after knowing that all is well – no complications for you inside despite mommy in 1cm state for 3 days already – the call is yours. Things will be in your terms, if you want to stay longer inside mommy's womb, I won’t mind. I just hope that you won’t stay too long because everyone is very anxious to personally meet you.

I love you my little kiddo… Mommy, Daddy and Ate Xyrah will be waiting for you… ♥

Impatiently and Patiently Waiting

As the indefinite date of my delivery approaches, the days seem to be very dragging. The anticipation, excitement and nervousness don’t blend well for me. I’m getting heavier everyday and slight movements have become uncomfortable and strenuous. I haven’t got a good night sleep for almost a month already. And yet, I cannot just order my little one to come out. Hahaha…

For the days to come, I expect more contractions and discomfort. But nevertheless, either my little Xalken Caleb will come out earlier as expected or he may enjoy and savor his stay inside my womb till he reach his full term (40 weeks) I will patiently wait for him.

injured..

Played Basketball last weekend... (lol) instead of shooting the ball into the hoop, I accidentally swallowed it.. hahahaha... NAH!!! just getting heavier.. just my bad...