The Vampire in Me

OMG! I’m torn between lovers… hahaha. I know I’m not a normal human being specially since I’ve been trying to cope up with the supernatural for like – forever?

Excuse my words but this is just my alter ego talking… hahaha.

Let me tell you a secret – I’m a VAMPIRE. No kidding! I am one (at least in my fantasies). And right now, I’m at the point of my life where I don’t know how to put pack the pieces together. For so long, I have been hiding my true identity. It has been so hard so hard specially that my bestfriend happens to be a human and he just knew about it recently. I’m still dealing with his constant tantrums about how I could hide something like this to him. Well, at least his tantrums are not about hating me for being a vampire but rather on the “not telling him” part.

Like I’ve said, it has been so hard. Every day I have to fight off the urge not to drink his blood or at times not killing him. Vampires have that heightened emotions which at times are difficult to contain.

And now that my bestfriend knew all about me – ooppss technically not all yet, my concerns are now limited to these tiny but consuming heart problems. Yes, the word is “consuming”. I just can’t decide who I really want to be with. At what my bestfriend just told me, I have to follow the dictates of my heart. Among the four (4) vampires (yes, that’s 4 not 3) and the one hybrid (half vampire – half werewolf), who among them really captured my heart? To add to my anxiety, I have to decide the soonest that I can. But the problem is, I just can’t – yet.

I love them all. I may be selfish for wanting to keep them all five but that’s how it is to me right now. I don’t want to choose because I know I’m going to lose some of them. They have become part of my life already.

My bestfriend told me why not choose the hybrid. Aside from the fact that he’s the unique one, he can sense that the others. Hhhhmmm, TRUE. But choosing him would mean risking my life too. One stupid accident would cost me my life and I know he would be devastated too. Yes, you heard it right. One bite from my hybrid lover and I’m doomed. Technically, he is still part werewolf and their venom is lethal to vampires. But yes, I LOVE Him. And I think I love him more than the others.

The question now is, if I choose my hybrid will I be able to handle the pain of losing the four vampires that I also grown to love?

Me and My Tantrums

I’m at the fork again. Different paths are laid down upon me and I don’t know which way to go. A part of me wanted so bad to give in to the demands of my heart but the other side is robustly opposing. It has been months since I've been stubbornly denying the tantrums of my heart. And as days flew by, these tantrums are but utterly overwhelming. I have my reasons though of why I’m doing this and not the other way around. I've grown tired of these tantrums. It did me nothing but frustrations and disappointments. I have so many of these already to last me a lifetime and another dose of it is just too much for me.

However, no matter what justification I tell myself that I’m better off like this; it is still not enough. I am pushed further back in to the dark abyss of despair. And I don’t blame anyone else but myself. I dragged myself into this alley of desolation where my only comfort was silence and nothingness. And I don’t like it here, this isn't a happy place.

So I asked myself, what now? After all the ups and downs, the struggles of not giving in; what’s next of me? Is this the end of my strong front? Is giving up the next option? Is there still hope for me?

 So many questions… so many words… but what really is the answer?

The Pink Diary 10-23-12

The sudden rush of words is overwhelming;

 I didn't know where to start.

 It consumes me.

 It drowns me.

The over flow was intoxicating;

My vision starts to wane.

Things become obscured & mirror-like;

Leading me on. Deceiving.

Frustration starts to crawl in;

Holding me back.

Nausea’s gaining momentum;

I could no longer fight back.

I plead.

I beg.

I cried.

But no one answered.

Dalamhati ng Puso

Hindi ko lubos maintindihan kung bakit kung kailan mo sila pinakakailangan, yun din ang panahon na iiwanan ka nila sa ere. Kahit anong rason ang sabihin ko sa sarili ko na baka masyado lang silang abala kung kaya’t hindi sila makapaglaan ng panahon sa akin, hindi ko pa rin maintindihan. Masakit man isipin, pero wala akong magawa. Umiyak man ako’t magmakaawa, wala’t wala pa rin.

Talagang masakit lalo na’t tinuring mo pa naman silang malapit at tunay na kaibigan. Hindi ko maipaliwanag sa sarili ko kung bakit ito nangyayari. Masama ba akong kaibigan? May nagawa ba akong mali? Kung meron man, sana naman sabihin nila sa akin.

Sabi nila, nagmamalasakit sila. Pero bakit hindi ko madama? Hindi ba’t ang pagmamalasakit ay ginagawa at ipinaparamdam, hindi lang sinasabi? Kung tunay ngang may malasakit sila sa akin, bakit hindi nila ako kayang harapin at kausapin man lang?

Masakit talagang isipin na ang taong pinaghuhugutan mo ng lakas, ang siya ring taong hihila sa iyo pababa at iiwanan kang mag-isa. Hindi naman ako mangmang para hindi makaintindi kung talagang ayaw niyo na sa akin. Madali lang naman akong kausap.

Kung kaya’t ito na lang ang masasabi ko sa inyo (kung sino man kayo), salamat. Salamat sa lahat ng naibahagi niyo sa akin. Sa pagiging kaibigan ko sa maikli man o mahabang panahon. Salamat sa panahong iginugol niyo sa akin at sa mga aral na ipinamalas niyo sa akin. Ang lahat ng ito’y habang buhay kong tatanawin. Sana’y mapatawad niyo rin ako sa mga pagkukulang ko sa inyo. Alam kong hindi ako perpektong tao, ngunit sana’y malaman niyo na ginagawa ko naman ang lahat na kaya kong maibigay sa ngalan ng pagkakaibigan. Kung kaya’y kung sakali mang kulang pa ang lahat ng iyon at kung may pagkakamali man ako sa inyo sana’y mapatawad niyo rin ako.

Ayokong magpaalam…

Life's Journey

Life has never been easy. I guess it was meant to be like that. If it wasn’t, life wouldn’t be so worth living at all.

Life is meant to be shared, not just to one person but to everybody. That is why friends exist to take part of our journey.

The road of life is long and winding. The trip even promises us it won’t be just all fun but rather it would be exhausting.

But that’s life. We learn lots of things as we go along with it. We meet and lose people along the way, but we will never be alone that’s a promise it would surely claim.

Life for me has been a roller coaster ride. Each curve has been memorable. I’ve been hurt a lot and have been blessed bountifully too. I lost people who are dear to me and yet I met new ones to fill that void. The ups and downs have pushed me to my limits, even to the point of giving up. But I’ve stood still, held my ground and I moved on. I’ve conquered too many falls already and I found glory in my defeat. I might have faced my fears ungracefully but I have resurfaced with poise and more dignity.

I thank my friends for being there for me. Their presence is but my light in this journey.

My life wouldn’t be this meaningful and beautiful without all of you. 

You, Me and Rain

Outside, it’s pouring hard

Inside, I’m going mad.

My heart’s in trouble deep,

With you I want to weep.

But thunder struck

And I’m out of luck

I need you now

But where art thou?

The wind is scorning cold

My limbs are all but numb

I need the warmth of your embrace

Oh please, I need you now.

The smell of rotten rain

Polluted my sunken heart

The memories I cannot erase

I plead, but I had no luck.

The sound of your voice I miss

As it melts my giddy heart

Your touch and the scent that it emits

Surely is the better place to start.

But you could never be found,

The world has become so dark

Where else would now I’ll be

With you I know that’s where I’m supposed to be.

Will You Hold My Hand?

It’s funny how my life seems to be lately, I’m surrounded by a lot of people and yet I feel so alone. The constant battle with loneliness and sanity has become my latest hobby. The need to be with someone to comfort me from the pain I’m suffering right now has become a luxury I cannot afford. Friends seem to be hard to find even though they’re just there. Friends reachable with just one text or call but even with the available technology, I can’t seem to get through them. I endured the pain inflicted by my new bestfriend – loneliness. I breathed in and drowned myself in the toxicity of being lonesome and boredom. And I hate the feeling…

Pillows and stuffed toys can’t hug me back, but sometimes they’re all I’ve got.

I long for a hand to hold me back… to reassure me that it’s alright. To reassure me that despite everything that life have thrown at me, I am not alone. That it is alright for me to cry because a comforting hand will always be holding me back. That I don’t have to feel alone and empty anymore because a comforting hand will always be there to soothe them away for me…

And so I ask… “Will you hold my hand?”… 

Anxiety

As the days turn into yesterdays, the anxiety escalates. The want to hold you and feel you in my arms is turning me into this crazy person. I can’t sleep for days already maybe because waiting for you has been a past time for me even in my sleep. I know I have been pressuring you to come out already. And I know I already sounded silly for actually begging you to come out soon. But don’t get me wrong my dear little one, I just wanted to personally take care of you outside my womb that’s all.

Forgive mommy for being paranoid and for being pushy these past days. Mommy is just too excited that’s all.

From now on, after knowing that all is well – no complications for you inside despite mommy in 1cm state for 3 days already – the call is yours. Things will be in your terms, if you want to stay longer inside mommy's womb, I won’t mind. I just hope that you won’t stay too long because everyone is very anxious to personally meet you.

I love you my little kiddo… Mommy, Daddy and Ate Xyrah will be waiting for you… ♥

Impatiently and Patiently Waiting

As the indefinite date of my delivery approaches, the days seem to be very dragging. The anticipation, excitement and nervousness don’t blend well for me. I’m getting heavier everyday and slight movements have become uncomfortable and strenuous. I haven’t got a good night sleep for almost a month already. And yet, I cannot just order my little one to come out. Hahaha…

For the days to come, I expect more contractions and discomfort. But nevertheless, either my little Xalken Caleb will come out earlier as expected or he may enjoy and savor his stay inside my womb till he reach his full term (40 weeks) I will patiently wait for him.

injured..

Played Basketball last weekend... (lol) instead of shooting the ball into the hoop, I accidentally swallowed it.. hahahaha... NAH!!! just getting heavier.. just my bad...

L♥VE

Nothing is permanent in this world. The things that surround us will eventually be gone. From the clothes we wear, to the people we’re with and even the treasures we valued so dearly will soon be part of a memory.

But nevertheless, life must go on… We continue to build relationships with other people, collect things and keep them and of course make memories that would last us a lifetime. Life is too short to be taken for granted. Life is too mysterious to be deciphered. Life is what is presented to us each day and it’s up to us how we take it and make use of it.

In this month of Love, may we celebrate the goodness that is buried deep in our hearts. Let’s forget the pangs and obscurities brought about by hatred and anger. Let love flow freely in our hearts no matter what our status are – be it single, married or complicated.

Love is a gift… and just like any other things in this world, it’s not permanent. Be grateful that love has come your way. Rejoice that despite the chaotic mess of this world, love still exists. Share Love, not Hate.

Beauty - Gift or Curse

They say beauty is a gift. Many have coveted it and even died for it. The pages of our history are no stranger as to how beauty was rejoices and worshipped even before technology and cosmetics were born.

I am beautiful. Yes, I am because that’s what I always hear from my parents since I was a kid. Physically - I might be. If drawing in attention from other people would serve as proof, then I might be beautiful. But who cares?

Being beautiful is not always a good thing, at least for me. I believe that being beautiful is also a responsibility. There are perks that most people enjoy and love for being beautiful – what is FAME and being POPULAR? I bet most people would die to be famous and being in the spotlight always. But not me… And yet I would be a hypocrite if I’ll say I didn’t enjoy it too, because at some point I did.

Nevertheless, for me beauty is a curse. It’s not something you should flaunt to other people and be proud of it like it’s an achievement. I admit that most of the time, I’m not happy with it. It made my life a chaotic mess. There are people who hated me because of what I am. What makes it inconceivable is that I don’t know what I did to them for them to hate me this much. For one thing, I don’t even know them and yet they seemed to b e very happy to see me suffer. I don’t get it why I have to watch every move I make. One wrong move and they feasted. From the clothes I wear, the way I comb my hair and to the people I’m with, I have to be very vigilant. Otherwise, they’ll have more reasons to talk about me and celebrate. If I’m not beautiful, I wouldn’t have to go through all of these.

I wanted a simple life. A life where I can be who I am – no pressure from other people. A life where I can freely wear anything I want and be with people without worrying what others think. Is that too much to ask?

Guesses and Anticipation

As the days draw nearer, anticipation heightens and nervousness escalates. My dreams of our little boy become more vivid and I can’t help myself from wondering to whom he would resemble most. I would be too happy if he would look more like me or say, Phil Younghusband – hahahaha… (dream on girl). But anyhow, whether he would look more of his dad or me it doesn’t matter that much as long as he’ll be healthy and be delivered safely. What more could a mother hope for, right?

Counting the weeks until he comes brings with it a colorful sensation not only to me but to the entire family. This only means that we are indeed excited for the coming of our little prince. My daughter could not even hide her excitement that she wishes almost every day that her baby brother would come out the next day. That certain look on her face as she awaits for her little brother melts my heart.

Here are some of the guesses on my actual delivery made by a few of my wonderful friends during my unusual yet unique baby shower (a million thanks to the organizers!):

March 2, 2012 at 8pm (Jett)

March 3, 2012 at 8pm (Marco)

March 13, 2012 at 1pm (Dorothy)

March 13, 2012 at 4-5pm (Bon)

March 15, 2012 at 1pm (Jude John)

March 18, 2012 at 1pm (Don)

March 22, 2012 at 2-3pm (Jester)

March 25, 2012 at 7pm (Mac2x)

Guesses are made and yet it’s up to little Xalken Caleb “Xian” C. Dy now as to when he feels like coming out… ♥

My 2011

JANUARY and FEBRUARY passed by so swiftly…

MARCH came and my MBA batchmates graduated, leaving a fair few of us behind. We can’t blame them for graduating ahead of us, since it was our choice not to take full load every semester. Congrats guys!!! I will surely miss our late night chikas and weekend poker session at Rowena’s place and sure do the baluts and bukos at dawn…

APRIL came…

And MAY… the end of the world they said… I surely can’t forget our Midway escapade… the floating bar (sa maka-relate nlng.. hahaha). This escapade has been one of the highlights of this year. Why? Simply because after all the fun we had at Midway and Pryce Plaza Hotel, I was rushed to the hospital the night we came home… hahaha…

I can’t remember if I celebrated my 27^th birthday. I have no recollection whatsoever and I don’t have a picture or so to remind me of… except that one taken a day before my birthday and there happened to be a cake in the office so I grabbed the opportunity and had a picture with it. But nevertheless, JUNE marked our 6^th year wedding anniversary. My parents were so thoughtful that they prepared a simple feast for us.

JULY‘s the turning point of my life… and why was that so? I got pregnant!!!!

Hhhhmmm…AUGUST – the month of hormones… hahahaha… just cause morning sickness was at its peak and of course who would forget the YOUNGHUSBANDs! So basically, this month’s all about hormones. But wait, August wouldn’t be complete without the infamous makeover of my little girl…

I needed a break… I was diagnosed twice already for threatened abortion and all I wanted was a family vacation. And SEPTEMBER was the key… I sure do had fun during our 4 day vacation at Manila. A lot of first time experiences happened – Xyrah’s 1^st close encounter with an artista and my sister’s 1^st time to wear a 2-piece swimsuit to name a few.

OCTOBER went by… and work was something you cannot avoid. But change was coming… and it was coming so fast…

Speaking of change, NOVEMBER was the emotional month… Gerald‘s new job required him to be away from us. It’s something I anticipated but never actually hoped will happened so soon. Indeed, a very big adjustment for me considering my pregnancy and all and of course to my little as well who just turned 6 this month. Tears fell heavily during this month. And oh! It’s a boy!!!

DECEMBER, another year ender… but what a year ender for me really! I was hospitalized for a week and a week after that Sendong came. But no worries, I survived… I’m grateful that despite being homeless I am still alive…