The Green Rose

It seemed as if I lived in the past

For I can still see you here every now and then.

You're not really here technically

But all things seem to remind me of you.

I tried to live past through that life

A life that breathes only you.

I was broken beyond repair then

I couldn't want that life again.

But here I am, again in this fork

Torn and lost, which way to turn?

No matter how I try to escape

Your ghost still haunts me every single day.

That greenish glow I thought was mine

My promised salvation in this damned life.

Deceived and blinded by its beauty

It was still you, my green parody.

I couldn't escape the tormenting pain

It's green poison's seeping through my veins.

I'm half alive but I'm still sane

My heart wept, I'll never be the same.

As darkness enveloped the light

My eyes reopened in this greenish bright.

I was stunned, I couldn't believe my eyes

My Rose is here, and the Kryptonite?

#ChroniclesOfTheKryptonite 

The Kryptonite

The journey is yet to begin

Into the vastness I shall step in.

I brought with me a bag of hope

And a memory my heart still holds.

The past is beyond me now

The future is still so vague.

Fear and worries are last on my list

Where else should I will be but in this place.

No Rose to haunt me now

Only a memory to keep.

No thorns to cut me through

What else is there to weep?

From a far a light has shone

Its greenish sparkle blurred my eyes.

What a beauty! What a sight!

A gem for me in this dark night.

I was drawn into this beauty

My heart cried in glee.

The thought of finally being free

From a long past that has been my misery.

Nearer and nearer I get

Emotions raging in.

Fear of the unknown finally settling in

I couldn’t stay away, I was drawn in.

It shone so bright

Despite the darkness of the night.

Could it be my promised light?

Well, it was just a kryptonite.

#ChroniclesOfTheKryptonite

The End of the Chronicles of Rose

Time has its story to tell,

Every fleeting moment corresponds a page.

Chapter after chapter has been written,

And now the ending came.

Numbness yet engulfed my heart,

The pain has become surreal.

The hope has become a parody,

My life was a sad comedy.

The Rose has bloomed into magnificence,

My loss surmounts the epic pain.

Its glory has become my ending,

Its beauty became my shame.

Deluded I was for a long time,

My insanity was beyond recovery.

I was lost in my own reverie,

The Rose was my personal lunacy.

Now that the end is here,

No words can describe how I feel.

Broken is an understatement,

No hope was left for me.

So now I’m closing the book,

The journey ends for me.

One last thing for me to say,

Good bye my Rose... maybe someday.

#ChroniclesOfRose #Finally

Thorned Rose

Sharp thorns cut through my heart

As the Rose fade into the night.

Its poison seeping through my veins

Numbness reigned, I was in pain.

My eyes wept with blood-stained tears

As darkness mocks me ceaselessly.

The heart I knew cease to exist

No beat, no thud, not even a single flip.

My soul died yet another death

No glory found in every defeat.

I cease to live, I became a void

Only the Rose could change my fate.

I call on thee

Oh, Rose hear me plea.

Free me from this bondage

Save me from this misery.

#ChroniclesOfRose

Death for a Rose

Lost in the sea of souls,

Trapped in my own reverie;

Soul lost in the trance of time,

Who would have thought,

      I never knew why..

From a far the rose has fallen

Dreams shattered,

     My heart was broken.

Blood spilled like tears in vain,

Never ending grief

     In my heart remained.

Enclosed in the comfort of pain,

My heart longed for my rose to stay.

Cannot let go

      I won’t let go

My rose, my love

     Where’d you go?

And now I taste the bitterness

      Of sorrow beyond relief.

The surging madness

      Drowning me deep.

All hope’s draining

     Into the air,

I need your love Oh Rose,

    Do hear my plea.

I grieve

     For the death of my heart.

I mourn

     For the loss that it could never have.

Songs of lament

     Torments my soul

My soul died

    In the hands of my Rose…

#ChroniclesOfRose

A Whisper to a Rose

Every single idle moment I have, I remember that night. How can I forget? It was the night my heart broke into a million shards. The road for me was forever blocked, no forks to decide which way to go after this. There’s no turning back, only to move forward. But the question is, where is forward?

I was lost. I forgot how to live. A part of me died that night. And now, I’m like a walking dead; empty and hollow. Wondering and questioning fate for bringing this into my plate. I am mess. I am a wreck. I don’t know how to help myself. But I have to make a strong front. I have to...

Months have passed and yet the feeling of being buried alive is still too strong. I am stuck and confused. My mind wanted to let go and move on but my stubborn heart kept on holding on. Hoping that maybe one day, he’ll get to realize the mistake he’d done. Pathetic I may have been to others but I cannot fool my heart. It has reasons that my mind couldn’t understand. Letting go would simply mean goodbye and forgetting. I don’t want to forget even if it hurts so much. I don’t want to forget everything that we have shared. But that’s just me, and not you.

The days have become so dragging. Being away from you and not being able to communicate with you is just too much to handle. My heart breaks knowing that you’re just near and yet you seemed so far away. The silence between us is so deafening. I missed the days when talking to you was as easy as breathing. I miss the sound of your voice and the warmth of your smile. I miss the way you look at me with those brown eyes and the way your brows tensed up every time you hold back a smile. I miss the way our hands collide as if it were perfectly matched. I miss everything about you but I wonder if you ever missed me too.

Since that night, I was never the same. You did this to me, stole a part of me. How can I go on living with a missing piece? Can I ever be happy again?

I know, I have to let you go. The soonest would be better. It is only my heart that is the problem, because no matter how I reasoned with it, it just won’t listen. It has been too painful already. Knowing that everything was lost in the abyss, you’re not coming back. I know my heart can only hold so much pain, but right now it’s too numb yet to feel anything. I just worry that I might get used to the pain so much that it won’t matter anymore.

For now, I could only hope for your happiness. May you be happy without me… May she be able to make you happy… Your happiness means so much for me, even if it means my downfall I will endure it. I could never thank you enough for coming into my life. I never thought someone like you really exists. More so, I never ever thought that someone like you would make me feel special.

It’s not yet goodbye my Rose. I couldn’t even imagine saying goodbye to you. But for now, I have to say something. Something to make me feel a bit better and to remind myself that despite everything, I still have to live. So let me say – Till then my Rose…

#ChroniclesOfRose

Betrayed By A Rose

Looking from a far

    I stare...

Lost in the trance of your beauty.

Your crimson color

    burried me deep,

In a spell enchanted

    and serene.

Your scent elated me up

The pedestal is where I'm at.

Your beautty sacred and divine

My Rose, my love,

    Are you still mine?

The feel of your touch

    I miss...

The warmth of your presence

    My heavenly bliss...

My eyes deceive me

    But I know you're there

Why can't I feel you?

    Do you still care?

Tears fell like pouring rain

The sadness is maddening

    I can no longer breathe.

My heart's constricted

    I'm out of air.

Oh my Rose, why can't you feel?

You've grown hard

    almost surreal

Your thorns they cut me

    two times more deep.

You broke your promise

    you said you'll keep

Why betray me my Rose?

    I weep...

#ChroniclesOfRose

The Fallen Rose

And I’m at the sea of storms

Trapped in this desolation.

Where waves surge high

Drowning me to my death bed.

The ship has sank,

The storm raged on.

I couldn’t breathe,

I couldn’t go on.

The wind is howling,

Barking mad at me.

It showed me no mercy

I was swept off at sea.

The pain was overwhelming

I cried a thousand tears.

But even then I did it so

It’s no use, I’m barely breathing.

#ChroniclesOfRose

Broken Rose

My eyes have a mind of their own.

They never listen.

They never care.

Tears are free flowing.

They never cooperate.

My heart has a mind of its own too.

Stubborn and irrational.

Cannot be reasoned coz it’s blinded.

Emotional now that it is wounded.

Broken coz it won’t listen.

My mind was ripped off of pride.

No longer the boss.

No longer the most supreme high.

Its grace has fallen.

Forgotten.

So from here, where do I run?

Where do I go?

Who shall I turn to?

When the who I used to be,

Is gone?

Comfort has become an illusion.

The Rose became a myth.

Its beauty faded into the realms of time.

I was alone.

#ChroniclesOfRose

Rose

I was lost in this queer place.

I was alone.

I seek for cover and comfort.

But it was never there to find.

No beacon of light to hope.

There was nothing there for me.

I walked on, shoulder slumped.

Devastated. Broken.

But just when I thought all hope is gone,

One flower pulled me back from the pit of death.

Alone and standing proud,

Its crimson beauty held my ground.

Stunned by its glory,

I was alive again.

And so without hesitation I plucked it.

I was at the pedestal.

I was no longer alone.

I have my Rose to accompany in this lonely journey.

Fleeting as the happiness came,

Pain swiftly cut through me like a wind passing.

My heart was broken into a million shards.

My world crumbled as my Rose withered away.

No sunshine can bring my Rose back.

No amount of tears can surmount the loss.

My selfishness, consumed its beauty.

My desperation killed my Rose.

And so alone I took the road again.

Broken. Dead. 

#ChroniclesOfRose

D'Rose

Over time I walked through this barren road

No splendid things not once my eyes behold,

I walked far and didn't turn back

For there's nothing there to hold me back.

And then I came across this lowly meadow

My eyes drowned from its vibrant colors,

I breathe in the sweet scent of hope 

As I sank deeper into the kaleidoscope.

But amidst the scent and the clash of colors

One flower caught my heart and soul.

The way it stood alone and proud

I knew right then I am found.

I gaze through its spell bound beauty

My heart ached to the comfort of its sanctuary.

I want to touch it...

I want to feel it...

Knowing that with it, I'll be whole again.

And so I draw myself nearer

And every step I take I fall deeper.

My rose, my heart exclaimed,

At last I found you - My rose, my Love.

But with your beauty comes your thorns

You cut me deep and my heart was torn.

I wept and bled but I didn't mind

Because deep inside I know you're mine.

I tried to keep you all to myself

Tried to hide you from stray passers by.

But your color starts to fade

Your flower withered as I hold your place.

My heart sank as you withered away

Fear engulfed me as I cry.

Losing you I could never survive

I must make a way

I can't just leave you and die.

And so I distanced myself.

Every step backward is torture.

Watching you from afar I cannot stand it

But for you I will endure anything.

Days passed and your color returns

I was mesmerized yet again with your beauty.

But now I know I couldn't be with you

Even if my heart says with you is where I should be.

My Rose, do know my heart's thine yours

Part of me will always be yours.

From then on...

You'll be the Beauty enclosed forever in my heart

And as for me, I'll be your Beast.

#ChroniclesOfRose 

Goodbye My Rose

We live in a different dimension, of a different world. It's like there's this magical invisible line that separates you from me. But I'm tired chasing rainbows, it doesn't bring me any good. There's not even a pot of gold waiting for me at the end, only pain and disappointments. I guess this is the end of the road for me. The end of the journey. Two different beings from two different worlds are not really meant to be together. They're doomed to be ruined if they insist. So like a butterfly, I'll let you fly away - away from me. May the wind carry you through the place where you could be happy. I could only hope for the best to you. Holding on to the illusion of what we could have could only destroy us. Besides, you have already moved on. It is only I who couldn't. But true to my word, I hope for your happiness. To see you with someone else could mean my downfall, but never fret. I would still smile even if my heart is breaking because to see you happy is more than enough for me. I wish you well my rose.

#ChroniclesOfRose

The Vampire in Me

OMG! I’m torn between lovers… hahaha. I know I’m not a normal human being specially since I’ve been trying to cope up with the supernatural for like – forever?

Excuse my words but this is just my alter ego talking… hahaha.

Let me tell you a secret – I’m a VAMPIRE. No kidding! I am one (at least in my fantasies). And right now, I’m at the point of my life where I don’t know how to put pack the pieces together. For so long, I have been hiding my true identity. It has been so hard so hard specially that my bestfriend happens to be a human and he just knew about it recently. I’m still dealing with his constant tantrums about how I could hide something like this to him. Well, at least his tantrums are not about hating me for being a vampire but rather on the “not telling him” part.

Like I’ve said, it has been so hard. Every day I have to fight off the urge not to drink his blood or at times not killing him. Vampires have that heightened emotions which at times are difficult to contain.

And now that my bestfriend knew all about me – ooppss technically not all yet, my concerns are now limited to these tiny but consuming heart problems. Yes, the word is “consuming”. I just can’t decide who I really want to be with. At what my bestfriend just told me, I have to follow the dictates of my heart. Among the four (4) vampires (yes, that’s 4 not 3) and the one hybrid (half vampire – half werewolf), who among them really captured my heart? To add to my anxiety, I have to decide the soonest that I can. But the problem is, I just can’t – yet.

I love them all. I may be selfish for wanting to keep them all five but that’s how it is to me right now. I don’t want to choose because I know I’m going to lose some of them. They have become part of my life already.

My bestfriend told me why not choose the hybrid. Aside from the fact that he’s the unique one, he can sense that the others. Hhhhmmm, TRUE. But choosing him would mean risking my life too. One stupid accident would cost me my life and I know he would be devastated too. Yes, you heard it right. One bite from my hybrid lover and I’m doomed. Technically, he is still part werewolf and their venom is lethal to vampires. But yes, I LOVE Him. And I think I love him more than the others.

The question now is, if I choose my hybrid will I be able to handle the pain of losing the four vampires that I also grown to love?

Me and My Tantrums

I’m at the fork again. Different paths are laid down upon me and I don’t know which way to go. A part of me wanted so bad to give in to the demands of my heart but the other side is robustly opposing. It has been months since I've been stubbornly denying the tantrums of my heart. And as days flew by, these tantrums are but utterly overwhelming. I have my reasons though of why I’m doing this and not the other way around. I've grown tired of these tantrums. It did me nothing but frustrations and disappointments. I have so many of these already to last me a lifetime and another dose of it is just too much for me.

However, no matter what justification I tell myself that I’m better off like this; it is still not enough. I am pushed further back in to the dark abyss of despair. And I don’t blame anyone else but myself. I dragged myself into this alley of desolation where my only comfort was silence and nothingness. And I don’t like it here, this isn't a happy place.

So I asked myself, what now? After all the ups and downs, the struggles of not giving in; what’s next of me? Is this the end of my strong front? Is giving up the next option? Is there still hope for me?

 So many questions… so many words… but what really is the answer?

The Pink Diary 10-23-12

The sudden rush of words is overwhelming;

 I didn't know where to start.

 It consumes me.

 It drowns me.

The over flow was intoxicating;

My vision starts to wane.

Things become obscured & mirror-like;

Leading me on. Deceiving.

Frustration starts to crawl in;

Holding me back.

Nausea’s gaining momentum;

I could no longer fight back.

I plead.

I beg.

I cried.

But no one answered.

Dalamhati ng Puso

Hindi ko lubos maintindihan kung bakit kung kailan mo sila pinakakailangan, yun din ang panahon na iiwanan ka nila sa ere. Kahit anong rason ang sabihin ko sa sarili ko na baka masyado lang silang abala kung kaya’t hindi sila makapaglaan ng panahon sa akin, hindi ko pa rin maintindihan. Masakit man isipin, pero wala akong magawa. Umiyak man ako’t magmakaawa, wala’t wala pa rin.

Talagang masakit lalo na’t tinuring mo pa naman silang malapit at tunay na kaibigan. Hindi ko maipaliwanag sa sarili ko kung bakit ito nangyayari. Masama ba akong kaibigan? May nagawa ba akong mali? Kung meron man, sana naman sabihin nila sa akin.

Sabi nila, nagmamalasakit sila. Pero bakit hindi ko madama? Hindi ba’t ang pagmamalasakit ay ginagawa at ipinaparamdam, hindi lang sinasabi? Kung tunay ngang may malasakit sila sa akin, bakit hindi nila ako kayang harapin at kausapin man lang?

Masakit talagang isipin na ang taong pinaghuhugutan mo ng lakas, ang siya ring taong hihila sa iyo pababa at iiwanan kang mag-isa. Hindi naman ako mangmang para hindi makaintindi kung talagang ayaw niyo na sa akin. Madali lang naman akong kausap.

Kung kaya’t ito na lang ang masasabi ko sa inyo (kung sino man kayo), salamat. Salamat sa lahat ng naibahagi niyo sa akin. Sa pagiging kaibigan ko sa maikli man o mahabang panahon. Salamat sa panahong iginugol niyo sa akin at sa mga aral na ipinamalas niyo sa akin. Ang lahat ng ito’y habang buhay kong tatanawin. Sana’y mapatawad niyo rin ako sa mga pagkukulang ko sa inyo. Alam kong hindi ako perpektong tao, ngunit sana’y malaman niyo na ginagawa ko naman ang lahat na kaya kong maibigay sa ngalan ng pagkakaibigan. Kung kaya’y kung sakali mang kulang pa ang lahat ng iyon at kung may pagkakamali man ako sa inyo sana’y mapatawad niyo rin ako.

Ayokong magpaalam…

Life's Journey

Life has never been easy. I guess it was meant to be like that. If it wasn’t, life wouldn’t be so worth living at all.

Life is meant to be shared, not just to one person but to everybody. That is why friends exist to take part of our journey.

The road of life is long and winding. The trip even promises us it won’t be just all fun but rather it would be exhausting.

But that’s life. We learn lots of things as we go along with it. We meet and lose people along the way, but we will never be alone that’s a promise it would surely claim.

Life for me has been a roller coaster ride. Each curve has been memorable. I’ve been hurt a lot and have been blessed bountifully too. I lost people who are dear to me and yet I met new ones to fill that void. The ups and downs have pushed me to my limits, even to the point of giving up. But I’ve stood still, held my ground and I moved on. I’ve conquered too many falls already and I found glory in my defeat. I might have faced my fears ungracefully but I have resurfaced with poise and more dignity.

I thank my friends for being there for me. Their presence is but my light in this journey.

My life wouldn’t be this meaningful and beautiful without all of you. 

You, Me and Rain

Outside, it’s pouring hard

Inside, I’m going mad.

My heart’s in trouble deep,

With you I want to weep.

But thunder struck

And I’m out of luck

I need you now

But where art thou?

The wind is scorning cold

My limbs are all but numb

I need the warmth of your embrace

Oh please, I need you now.

The smell of rotten rain

Polluted my sunken heart

The memories I cannot erase

I plead, but I had no luck.

The sound of your voice I miss

As it melts my giddy heart

Your touch and the scent that it emits

Surely is the better place to start.

But you could never be found,

The world has become so dark

Where else would now I’ll be

With you I know that’s where I’m supposed to be.

Will You Hold My Hand?

It’s funny how my life seems to be lately, I’m surrounded by a lot of people and yet I feel so alone. The constant battle with loneliness and sanity has become my latest hobby. The need to be with someone to comfort me from the pain I’m suffering right now has become a luxury I cannot afford. Friends seem to be hard to find even though they’re just there. Friends reachable with just one text or call but even with the available technology, I can’t seem to get through them. I endured the pain inflicted by my new bestfriend – loneliness. I breathed in and drowned myself in the toxicity of being lonesome and boredom. And I hate the feeling…

Pillows and stuffed toys can’t hug me back, but sometimes they’re all I’ve got.

I long for a hand to hold me back… to reassure me that it’s alright. To reassure me that despite everything that life have thrown at me, I am not alone. That it is alright for me to cry because a comforting hand will always be holding me back. That I don’t have to feel alone and empty anymore because a comforting hand will always be there to soothe them away for me…

And so I ask… “Will you hold my hand?”… 

Anxiety

As the days turn into yesterdays, the anxiety escalates. The want to hold you and feel you in my arms is turning me into this crazy person. I can’t sleep for days already maybe because waiting for you has been a past time for me even in my sleep. I know I have been pressuring you to come out already. And I know I already sounded silly for actually begging you to come out soon. But don’t get me wrong my dear little one, I just wanted to personally take care of you outside my womb that’s all.

Forgive mommy for being paranoid and for being pushy these past days. Mommy is just too excited that’s all.

From now on, after knowing that all is well – no complications for you inside despite mommy in 1cm state for 3 days already – the call is yours. Things will be in your terms, if you want to stay longer inside mommy's womb, I won’t mind. I just hope that you won’t stay too long because everyone is very anxious to personally meet you.

I love you my little kiddo… Mommy, Daddy and Ate Xyrah will be waiting for you… ♥