Caution

Anger rose like an irate volcano,

Words hot as lava ready to bring havoc.

Self couldn’t be contained.

No room left for any evacuation.

It’s already triggered.

There’s no turning back.

I am mad.

There’s no consoling this time.

I wouldn’t allow it.

I’ve had enough.

Enough of the fancy words,

They’re no longer appealing.

Enough of the funny jokes,

Can’t you see I’m no longer smiling?

Enough of the words of wisdom,

I don’t believe it anyway.

Enough of the hopeful words,

I’ve already given up.

Enough is enough!

I am mad.

Just let me be.

Qoutes and Songs

I’m not such a fan of the movie Camp Rock but because my daughter loved it, I quite of watched it a million times already. What’s interesting about the movie was not of the actors who portrayed the roles but the songs that were featured. And there was one quote that was mentioned in the movie that I happened to like – “Every song can’t be a hit, but it doesn’t mean that we’ll stop singing”.

Yes! Not all songs became hit because if they did, we could still be hearing them being played in the air up to these days. Some were seasonal just like Christmas songs that were only played during Christmas season. A fair few lasted a couple of weeks in the chart and that’s it! But, what are in these songs really that we can’t help but listen to them? There are songs that we made theme songs to our lives whether it’ s for a lover, a friend or even to an enemy. And despite the fact that they’re no longer IN for this particular era, we still keep it in our playlist and from time to time listen to them. So, is it safe to quote “Your song: song ng buhay ko”?

I love listening to music. I love the way it made me feel – it compliments my mood or it comforts me. Music feeds my soul. I’ve composed a handful of songs and I bet it’s enough already for an album. (Anyone to volunteer as my producer? heheehe) And each of them reflects what I felt during that particular moment. So I quote – “Every song is a reflection of an emotion”.

I happened to like this song – “Remember me this way” by Jordan Hill (a soundtrack of the movie Casper). It talks about friendship; of finding someone who you can relate to and turn to when no one is willing to take your side. And despite the complication of the circumstance, the song conveyed that the other one will be remembered and the other wants to be remembered. For quite some time, this song made an impact on my life. It’s no longer a hit, it’s no longer IN but it is still in my playlist. I used to like this song a lot since it reminds me that I have a friend out there that cares for me. Like I’ve said, I used to like this song…used to… but I don’t hate it either. It’s just that I hate the way it made me feel lately whenever I hear it playing. I hate the way it brought back memories of the past and of a broken promise. I hate to even think that I lost someone I cared about without even given the chance to fight for it. Just like the quote – “A battle long lost before it even started”.

So the quote goes that not all songs can be a hit but it doesn’t mean that I’ll stop singing. I’ll sing whenever I want. I’ll write songs that reflects my emotions. I’ll make songs be the song of my life. And you’ll be remembered. It’s no longer a battle.

These Tears... Reprise

This is weird… Last week I was so desperate to cry and allow the tears drown the pain I felt. But now that tears are at the brink of my eyes, I’m holding it back. I don’t want to cry. It’s just that if I succumb now, I will be the loser again. And I’m tired being one – a loser, a weakling, a good for nothing. My so bruised ego cannot handle any drama anymore. I had enough!

Tears please for once side with me… I’m begging you. I’m at the edge of uncertainty again. I am so lost right now and no one is coming for me. I beg of you not to betray me this time because as darkness slowly creeping in on me, my light is fading too. Will you hold my hand instead, Tears? Will you?

I tried to befriend Confrontation but I failed. Every word that comes out my mouth is useless. The more I speak the more I’m misunderstood and it’s getting harder for me try to express my point. I guess I’m hopeless case.

What should I do now? Everything’s obscured again. Nothing’s going on my way… and I am so dead tired.

These Tears...

These tears have been threatening to fall for quite some time now. It’s getting heavier everyday and my heart’s sinking deeper and deeper into the world of numbness. If only it would now fall and together with it release the pain out from my heart. I’m tired looking for reasons for it to finally fall and end this misery that’s weighing me down. I’m tired wearing this smile and project happiness to others when in fact deep down inside I’m howling with grief. This façade has taking its toll on me and every effort to pretend that I’m ok with this is like sucking out my soul. I know its okay to cry and I know it’s not a crime. But why am I having such a hard time letting it out? Crying used to be a piece of cake and tears flow out as easy as breathing. But not now…when I really wanted to and especially that I feel so heavy inside.

Before, I used to call tears traitor because they easily betray me. When I’m mad they fell even if I don’t want them to. Same also when I’m happy they fell – so much of a traitor. But now when I needed them so much, what are they doing? Being a traitor as always I guess – just threatening but never coming down.

Now I’m left again to waiting… and I’m no fan of waiting. Especially not now because I know I am hurting and my brain’s not acknowledging it – she’s more like denying it and that’s why tears won’t fall easily like they used to be. So I wait…

Rum Raisin Ice Cream Idiocy

I never thought I would crave for something like this. I never even thought it was possible. I never tasted it for one thing and I can’t imagine how my taste buds would react to its flavor. Worse, I never even knew it exists. Ok sure, I’ve heard of it but that’s just it. How come I’ve been craving for it for quite some time now? It seems like my entire system have been magically tuned to it and left me with this addiction. Is it even possible to be addicted to something I’ve never even tasted before? I just hate this tormenting feeling that it caused me – the more I convinced myself to forget about it, the more gaga I am about it.

What’s with you by the way Rum Raisin Ice cream? Are you that special? What made you so special anyway? You’re just an ice cream right? So, why am I distressing myself over you? I could have any other ice cream I could find in the fridge but why am I craving for you – especially you? Could anybody enlighten me with this idiocy? My cup’s full and I can’t make sense of anything right now. All I could ever think of is when could I ever get my hands on you and once and for all bring an end to this stupidity.

my plea...

Sometimes I wonder whether God is playing games on me. If this was His idea of a joke, then it is not funny at all. How could a joke hurt this bad? How could a joke diminish my self – esteem and self – worth as easily as this? There is nothing comical at all to this - only pain, grief and an overflowing cup of wishful thinking. So if this wasn’t a joke, then what? A lesson to be learned? If so, then He made His point. And it wasn’t just a mere point but a very hard one. It hurts big time and it left me with a scar I’m not sure when it would heal and if I’m still capable of healing. What was the point anyway? It’s as if I’m looking through stained glasses and everything is obscured. It’s as if He wanted me to listen to a song in the FM but all I could access is the AM frequency. I’m not even sure if I’ve learned anything major about it after all. Maybe just this simple realization that nothing is permanent in this world, so try not to hold on to it too much. Then what’s the point of making friends or friendship for that matter when later on these friends will just leave you? What’s the point of allowing them in your life and entrust them with your heart and later on they will just break it? Would this mean that after this we will resurface a stronger and a better version of ourselves? Maybe. But I don’t get it why would I expose myself again and befriend others and allow them to torment me later? Haven’t I had enough? Okay, so would this mean that this has to happen in order to pave way for the existence of “I’m sorry and goodbye”? Oh, come on give me a break! That’s the lamest reasoning I’ve ever heard. I’m so messed up right now… Everything’s hazy and I’m not so sure of anything at all. I am but only one soul among the sea of souls You’ve created, will You care enough to hear my plea? “Father, I need you now more than ever. Enlighten me with the goodness all these things would bring me. I’m only human and I’m having a hard time making sense of what’s happening to me and why. I felt as if You have forsaken me. Father, help me…”

My Game

My ears are still drumming from the vociferous screams at the gym. The eagles soared high as they defended their crown. The pythons danced their way back from last year’s loss and the warriors as always won my heart. Now I can feel the spirit of the game – the game I missed so much. It seems as if it was just yesterday but as I looked back it was more like a decade. My veins are raging for the passion and the euphoria it used to bring. I can only look back and dream… reminiscing.

As I bid the stars farewell tonight I’ll carry with me my treasured memories. Hoping that as I sail towards the sea of dreams, the wind will blew me to the court once again. Every swing… every slide… every sweat… this is my game – mine to play. I’ll hear the cheers as I served the ball – an Ace – I brought it on.

This is my game. This is my passion. My ball – my glory!